Tuesday, June 29, 2010


"By the way
By your side I'll stay
If that's okay
Then by your side I'll stay forever
Here I am standing up
Because I want to fall in love with you" - Blue October
Clumsy Card House

I have an issue with always needing things to be put into words. Without them, I'm lost. Words mean a lot to me. Music helps me speak. I tend to not make much sense sometimes. Lyrics help me.

So today's song lyrics are from blue october, the song being Clumsy Card House.
As the title says, I have too much to give, and no one to give it to. I hate that feeling. All the love I have just gets crammed into the back of me, and then it turns bad, and then I feel sad. Sometimes, it feels like no one wants it.

Have you ever found perfection? I could swear I have. I don't have it anymore, though. That's the problem. I found it, I grasped it, I held on so tight, and it left me. Why? No reason. Just did. Sucks, right? So.. what now? What do I do now? I keep finding all these things I not only want, but that I need, and no way to make them my own.

Maybe I don't need them. But I still really, really want them. I won't know if I need them, ever. I can only assume and go for it.

What do you do when you want what you can't have? Or when what you want doesn't want you? I think I ask more questions than answer them. Oh well. But either way, it's a terrible feeling. I hate when you find something you've been looking for, and it's just out of reach. Some of you will say I can just try harder, or go for it anyway, nothing's stopping me! But alas, there is stuff stopping me. It's why I don't have any of it in the first place.

I'm a lover. I'm a giver. I think with both my head and heart, but much too often I go with my heart. I can't help it. I feel that if I give up on something just because of logic, what if I'm wrong..? They say don't second guess yourself, and if my heart is pulling more than my head, why should I give up on that?

I think I'm lost of direction. I never know which way to go, because I don't want to miss something somewhere else. I find somewhere, my mind is set. Did I just contradict myself? Well, I do that a lot. I think way too often. I sleep a lot just to stop thinking. But then I dream, and somethings the dreams are just too sweet.. and then I wake up and I'm so happy for that split second before I realize it was all fictional. Just my mind taunting me. So I guess that it's good I don't dream often.

Ok getting off topic. What was the topic again, anyway? I have no idea. Too many topics to shove into one topic.

Overall, I think what I'm trying to say, I just hope that I find someone to share everything I have with, someone who won't call me weird, obsessive, needy (not that I've been called so.. I just feel that way). Someone I can trust in, and just love, and not have to worry about how much love to show, how to show it, how to say it. Just, love.


  1. Nice ramble. I know I am going way back, but I like to start at the beginning. Too much to give? Need to find out how to get people to trust you enough so you can give. Let me see if that comes up yet.

  2. Sounds like theres an emptiness in you you are looking to fill.. to feel whole to give whatever you have without limits to fill it. Many make the misconception that love will fill this void..and perhaps this is because momentarily infatuation fills the void and tricks the heart into believing that the only way to fill whole is by having someone else reciprocate this limitless giving and make you feel whole. This is not true. The void must be filled by you. you must follow your life path and find out what you are passionate about besides love... find out what makes your heart sing.. what fills you with a passion so deep the void disappears... occupy your life with positive events positive thoughts and positive people.. that will ironically lead you to the love you are looking for... there is a reason someone came up with the saying " you will find love when you stop looking" its true... because only when your mind isnt consumed of finding love and focused on love will it be free to have passion and be free to live and express who you really are in your heart... and only in that state is is possible to find your real match... so my friend. stop looking.

  3. also... men are hunters...competitors...if its too easy at first... it doesnt matter who you are ... how pretty you are, how nice you are... it wont matter. love is something that is built .. something that is earned with trust and time.. not something that is given blindly... be very careful who you give your heart to... make boundaries for yourself of things you will and wont except and if and when the bad things happen get rid of the person immediately. no negotiations. move on. Someone out there will work for it.. and build and earn trust .. and only then will unconditional love flow naturally and beautifully. only then.


You're already at the end of the post, the big white box is right there, so empty and lonely, why not leave some love? :)