Saturday, January 15, 2011


"I just wish that I could disappear. Someone take me far away from here. Do you suppose there's more to life out there?" - The Summer Obsession Disappear

For many years, there's been an idea in the back of my head. A small, maybe-one-day plan of escape.

I want to disappear.

I don't want to be abducted, or die mysteriously, or any weird shit like that. Just one day, up and leave, take my shit, and not tell anyone.

OK, maybe a couple people. But I'd make them keep it a secret. I already know who I'd tell.

Honestly though, I just want to up and leave one day, and never come back. At least not for a long while.
A very long while... I can imagine myself sneaking out one night, maybe with the love of my life, and driving to God knows where. Just go forward. That's all that matters.

Imagine the surprise on my "family's" faces when they finally realize I'm gone. Which wouldn't be for a while, probably at least a day, since they don't bother me if I'm sleeping. Which can go for long, ridiculous time periods. By then, I could be in Northern California. Or in another state, maybe.

They'd never see it coming.
I wouldn't regret it, either. I'd probably only contact my mom. Only because I'd feel bad, really. She's the only one who hasn't completely neglected me in my family. Maybe my aunt or two, and a couple best friends.
But other than that, I'd keep it secret.

I'd write a letter to each separate friend that meant enough to me, and who I'd know would care if I was gone. I mail it to them. I'm not running from them. Just everything else.

It would be great. So great... Just to wake up one morning in a random motel room I rented along the way, and know I'm finally free. That I don't have to deal with everything anymore. I don't have to sit and take shit from anyone. I don't have to act like everything is all right. I won't have to worry about people touching my fucking things and moving them.

I wonder if my family would even miss me.
My grandma would call up all her friends, and sisters, and talk about how I left and how everything bad happens to her. She loves to play the victim. The only uncle that would really care is my Uncle Greg. He called me "Little One" until I was like, thirteen. I still remember the day when I was about fourteen, and he said, "I guess I can't call you Little anymore!" As quiet and religious he is, I still like him best. He didn't forget me. He never got mad at me. He was always happy to see me.

Dean forgot everyone. He ran off and became a big shot and didn't visit for five years at a time. He forgot my birthday. Every time. He only comes down when there's a death possibility for grandpa. I wish he'd come down more often. He's hilarious. We could use some laughter here. I envy him for leaving..

Jack can go fuck himself. I used to glorify him as the best uncle in the world. That was until I grew up, and saw that he was really a narrow minded prick, who thinks his shit doesn't stink. Mr. Almighty himself. Mr. KnowItAll. Mr. I'm fucking better than you, and you know it. Your opinion doesn't matter, it's humorous to him that you think you have a say in anything.

Fuck you, Jack. I disown you. You are not my family anymore. Not that I had much of one to begin with, anyway.

Isn't it sad how more of my friends would legitimately miss me than family members?

It'll happen one day. I know it. I plan on it. One day, I'll just be gone.
No one will see it coming. Except you, my lovely readers.


  1. I wish i could disappear for a while too..

  2. I don't blame you. In fact, I support you in this escape plan.

  3. You are not alone on that idea Angela. I did actually abandon my family, just not by sneaking out. When I moved to go to college I just didn't bother to contact them and once I moved a couple times they couldn't contact me. It has been nine years since I have been home and I finally feel ready to go back. I finally have dealt with the issues that stemmed from the realationship with my family. The only contact I have with them is through facebook, so if they aren't reading my blog they won't know me at all when I do go back. Sometimes we need to get away to make things clearer. But remember that the feelings you have towards your family will make certain things harder for you and one day you will need to deal with that.

  4. This is so depressing... Someone wants a hug. But in all seriousness, I feel the same way. Just some days, it gets a bit easier to be around my family. Some days. But most days, I just want to run away and never come back. But, I know that I would never have the guts to do it. Think about your future. That always stops me. I want to go to college and university. I can't do that without the help of my parents, financially. O__O

  5. Nate - I loved that movie. The book really sucked though. Lol

    Impact - Oh it's not that I don't want to deal with it, as in something needs to be solved and I don't want to, things here are just complete BS lol I just need some time on my own (or with a significant other) to go out and try and grow up on my own. Everyone here keeps saying I'm doing it wrong. I need me time. Some long me time lol

    Jodie - I agree, but even right now, I'm in college and I still don't know what I want to do. If I did go, I'd sign up at a JC or something for the time being or still go on a vacation. Something. Lol

  6. I love this post. Although, I can't disappear, I've done the following... I wear sunglasses and huge fucking hats, so people can't see my face... and, I only go out after midnight. That's the best I've been able to do for now..

  7. Wasn't trying to suggest you were trying to run away from a problem Angela. I mean just dealing with your feelings about your family. Not dealing with my own I know from experience it will cause other feelings later. Just trying to pass on some experience. It takes time, and you time is the best time for it :)


You're already at the end of the post, the big white box is right there, so empty and lonely, why not leave some love? :)